His Love
Christian One-liners
Some people are kind, polite,
and sweet-spirited - until you
try to sit in their pews.
It is easier to preach ten
sermons than it is to live one.
People are funny, they want
the front of the bus, the middle
of the road, and the back of
the church.
If the church wants a better
pastor, it only needs to pray
for the one it has.
Some minds are like concrete,
thoroughly mixed up and
permanently set.
I don't know why some people
change churches; what
difference does it make which
one you stay home from?
Be ye fishers of men.
You catch them - He'll clean them.
Don't put a question mark
where God put a period.
Don't wait for 6 strong men
to take you to church.
Forbidden fruits create many jams
God doesn't call the qualified,
He qualifies the called
The task ahead of us is never
as great as the Power behind us.
The Will of God will never
take you to where the Grace
of God will not protect you
We don't change the message,
the message changes us.
The best mathematical
equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
"Pecans in the Cemetary"
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
Rich Man Poor Man
One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.
On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"
"It was great, Dad."
"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.
"Oh yeah," said the son.
"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
The son answered: "I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."
The boy's father was speechless. Then his son added, "Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are."
Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have.
Hymn Sing
We are pleased to announce that we have a hymn for everyone. Our program this evening will
include:
The Dentist's Hymn
Crown Him with Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn
There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
The Contractor's Hymn
The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn
Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn
There Is A Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn
Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn
Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRA Agent's Hymn
I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn
Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn
Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn
Sweet By and By
The Realtor's Hymn
I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
The Massage Therapist's Hymn
He Touched Me
The Doctor's Hymn
The Great Physician
And for you motorists
45 mph
God Will Take Care of You
55 mph
Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65 mph
Nearer My God To Thee
75 mph
Nearer Still Nearer
85 mph
This World Is Not My Home
95 mph
Lord, I'm Coming Home
Over 100 mph
Precious Memories
Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER.
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEPLADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)
Adventures in Babysitting Do we wait until nap time? Sometimes ya just have to know!?
Resumé
************
Jesus Christ
Address: Ephesians 1:20
Phone: Romans 10:13
Website: The Bible - Keywords: Christ, Lord, Savior and Jesus
· I founded the earth and established the heavens, (See Proverbs 3:19)
· I formed man from the dust of the ground, (See Genesis 2:7)
· I breathed into man the breath of life, (See Genesis 2:7)
· I redeemed man from the curse of the law, (See Galatians 3:13)
· The blessings of the Abrahamic Covenant comes upon your life through me, (See Galatians 3:14)
· I've only had one employer, (See Luke 2:49).
· I've never been tardy, absent, disobedient, slothful or disrespectful.
· My employer has nothing but rave reviews for me, (See Matthew 3:15-17)
· Some of my skills and work experiences include: empowering the poor to be poor no more, healing the brokenhearted, setting the captives free, healing the sick, restoring sight to the blind and setting at liberty them that are bruised, (See Luke 4:18).
· I am a Wonderful Counselor, (See Isaiah 9:6). People who listen to me shall dwell safely and shall not fear evil, (See Proverbs 1:33).
· Most importantly, I have the authority, ability and power to cleanse you of your sins, (See I John 1:7-9)
· I encompass the entire breadth and length of knowledge, wisdom and understanding, (See Proverbs 2:6).
· In me are hid all of the treasures of wisdom and knowledge, (See Colossians 2:3).
· My Word is so powerful; it has been described as being a lamp unto your feet and a lamp unto your path, (See Psalms 119:105).
· I can even tell you all of the secrets of your heart, (See Psalms 44:21).
· I laid down my life so that you may live, (See II Corinthians 5:15).
· I defeated the archenemy of God and mankind and made a show of them openly, (See Colossians 2:15).
· I've miraculously fed the poor, healed the sick and raised the dead!
· There are many more major accomplishments, too many to mention here. You can read them on my website, which is located at: www dot - the BIBLE. You don't need an Internet connection or computer to access my website.
· Believers and followers worldwide will testify to my divine healings, salvation, deliverance, miracles, restoration and supernatural guidance
Now that you've read my resume, I'm confident that I'm the only candidate uniquely qualified to fill this vital position in your heart. In summation, I will properly direct your paths, (See Proverbs 3:5-6), and lead you into everlasting life, (See John 6:47).
So when can I start? Time is of the essence, (See Hebrews 3:15).
Sincerely yours,
Matthew 1:21.
Duct Tape or Nails
A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven.
You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St.Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."
"One point!?!!"
"I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"Two points!?!! "Exasperated, the man cries.
"At this rate the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God."
"Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!"
We often try to fix problems with WD-40 and duct tape. God did it with nails.
NO CROSSES ON FEDERAL PROPERTY???
Did you see in the news that the ACLU doesn't want any crosses on Federal property?
Crosses on Federal Property?
Well, duh......... (Scroll Down)
Let them try and remove these!
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen
ONE SIN, TEENAGER!
"A single cigarette can affect heart function" was the heading of a medical report on ABCNEWS.com. The heart's key pumping chamber experiences an abrupt change with the smoking of just one cigarette. Dr. R.G. Lee had a famous sermon on "One Sin" from the text of James 2:10 that tells us if a man keeps "the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all." One drink has led to the slavery of drunkeness; one sexual indescretion, to a lifetime of lust; one lie, to a tangled web of deceit; one theft, to years in prison. Many a student has been led astray by just one faulty professor.
Many a sinner remains lost because he listened to the foul advice of just one unsaved preacher who proclaims "another gospel" (Galatians 1:6). Many a teen has landed in the fiery pit of the same Hell that they so carelessly and flippantly thought was just a swear word to make them sound "tough" each time they uttered it.
Christian teen, it takes only one missed opportunity to witness to a friend or loved one to seal their eternity in the place where "the worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched". One is also the number of times required for you to distract an one unsaved person in Sunday School. It may be one outspoken word, one action, one look that diverts their focus from the Word of God to your selfishness. You then become the one, and maybe the only one to face God with the blood of that sinner on your hands.
They say that one is a lonely number, but in the context of this devotion, it can turn out to be a very BIG number. One sin, teenager! Be careful of the number 1!!!
Christ For Me
I. Christ the Purpose of Life
“For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain” (1:21)
A. Allowed Paul to do three things:
1. To Rest in God's Security (1:1-12) “Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ.” (1:6)
2. To Rejoice in great Suffering (1:13-20)
“My bonds in Christ…” (1:13)
3. To Remain in glad Service (1:21-30)
II. Christ the Pattern For Life
“Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:” (2:5)
A. What the Son Did What the Father Did
Left Heaven's Glory ---> He exalted His Son
Made self of no reputation ---> A name above all other names
Made in the likeness of men
He took on the form of a servant
He humbled himself
He became obedient unto death
He died on a cursed cross ---> Made Christ universally acknowledged as Lord of all
III. Christ the Prize of Life
“I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus” (3:14)
A. What Paul Gained by Accepting Jesus Christ
1. He gained a new knowledge (3:7,8)
2. He gained a new righteousness (3:9)
3. He gained a new power (3:10)
4. He gained a new goal (3:11-17)
5. He gained a new hope (3:20,21)
IV. Christ the Power of Life
“I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” (4:13)
A. This Power can unify
B. This Power can magnify
C. This Power can fortify
D. This Power can exemplify
E. This Power can satisfy
F. This Power can justify
G. This Power can ratify
H. This Power can sanctify
I. This Power can multiply
J. This Power can glorify
The Devil's Beatitudes
Whew...talk about the hot seat!!! This one will make you stop and shudder!
If the devil were to write his beatitudes, they would probably go something
like this:
1. Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, too distracted to spend
an hour once a week with their fellow Christians -- they are my best
workers.
2. Blessed are those Christians who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked -- I can use them.
3. Blessed are the touchy who stop going to church -- they are my missionaries.
4. Blessed are the trouble makers -- they shall be called my children.
5. Blessed are the complainers -- I'm all ears to them.
6. Blessed are those who are bored with the preacher's mannerisms and mistakes -- for they get nothing out of his sermons.
7. Blessed is the church member who expects to be invited to his own church -- for he is a part of the problem instead of the solution.
8. Blessed are those who gossip -- for they shall cause strife and divisions that please me.
9. Blessed are those who are easily offended -- for they will soon get angry and quit.
10. Blessed are those who do not give their offering to carry on God's work-- for they are among my best helpers.
11. Blessed is he who professes to love God but hates his brother and sister -- for he shall be with me forever.
12. Blessed are you who, when you read this think it is about other peopleand not yourself -- I've got you too!
Where God Ain't
He was just a little boy in the week on the first day.
He was wandering home from Sunday School and dawdling along the way.
He scuffed his shoes into the grass. He found a caterpillar.
He found a fluffy milkweed pod, and blew out all its filler.
A bird's nest in a tree overhead, so wisely placed on high,
Was just another wonder that caught his eager eye.
A neighbor watched his zig-zag course and called him from his lawn.
He asked him where he'd been and what was going on.
I've been to Bible School," he said, and turned a piece of sod.
He picked up a wiggly worm, replying: "I've learned a lot about God"
"M'm, very fine way," the neighbor said, "for a boy to spend his time.
If you will tell me where God is, I'll give you a brand new dime."
Quick as a flash the answer came, nor were his words faint.
"I'll give you a dollar, Mister, if you can tell me where God ain't. "
